Soundtrack of My Life…
Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.Archive for death
What Hurts the Most….
Sorry everybody,
I know it’s been a little while since I’ve written down my thoughts. I have been swamped by schoolwork: so many projects! Oh my gosh, I think my head is going to start spinning soon. I really hope I can put my time management skills to work this semester, because it looks like I am going to need them!
But that is not what I wanted to talk about today. As hinted from my the title of this post (which, by the way, comes from Rascal Flatts), today’s topic is not going to be a happy one. It is one that makes me scared and sad and angry and upset and a ton of other emotions that I can’t even fully grasp at the moment.
So I just found out earlier today that my best friend in the world has cancer. Again. You see, she was in remission for less than a year, and now it’s back. She just found out this morning. I don’t know what to do. And I feel selfish for thinking about myself right now. But I can’t help it. I have no idea how to handle this. I have never known anybody with cancer, especially nobody close to me. What do I do? What do I say? Suddenly, I have no idea how to act around my best friend. And I have known the girl going on 5 years now. It’s a little ridiculous that I don’t know what to do or say. I mean, I guess it’s normal, right? Ahh, someone please tell me it’s normal. I need a shred of normalcy in my life at the moment.
There are just so many “what ifs” going around in my head, too. I mean, she was in REMISSION. It was supposed to be gone. And now it’s back. What if it’s worse this time? What if chemo doesn’t do anything? What if she dies? And I’m sure there are even more of those going around in her head right now. I mean, sheesh, if I’m thinking all this, she’s gotta be thinking like twice as many thoughts. I just don’t know what to think or what to do. I mean, do I stay positive for her? Do I keep it real with her like I’ve always done? What if I’m fake with her and pretend that everything is going to be okay? I mean, sometimes, that’s what people need, isn’t it? There are just so many thoughts running through my head, I don’t even think I could get them all down right now. I’d be talking for the length of like 10 blog posts.
I guess all I can really do at the moment is be there for her like I have been for the past 4+ years. It just kills me that I can’t do anything more than that, you know? I just want her to beat it. Because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my best friend. I think that would pretty much be equivalent to the world ending for me. She’s just such a big part of my life that I don’t think I could imagine life without her in it in one way or another. It just sucks a big one. She’s such a great person and has had to deal with so much in her life. Why this? Why now? Seriously, she does not deserve this. And I hope she can beat it. Because I know she deserves to live a full life. Nobody deserves it more.
