Soundtrack of My Life…
Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.Archive for Emotions
What Hurts the Most….
Sorry everybody,
I know it’s been a little while since I’ve written down my thoughts. I have been swamped by schoolwork: so many projects! Oh my gosh, I think my head is going to start spinning soon. I really hope I can put my time management skills to work this semester, because it looks like I am going to need them!
But that is not what I wanted to talk about today. As hinted from my the title of this post (which, by the way, comes from Rascal Flatts), today’s topic is not going to be a happy one. It is one that makes me scared and sad and angry and upset and a ton of other emotions that I can’t even fully grasp at the moment.
So I just found out earlier today that my best friend in the world has cancer. Again. You see, she was in remission for less than a year, and now it’s back. She just found out this morning. I don’t know what to do. And I feel selfish for thinking about myself right now. But I can’t help it. I have no idea how to handle this. I have never known anybody with cancer, especially nobody close to me. What do I do? What do I say? Suddenly, I have no idea how to act around my best friend. And I have known the girl going on 5 years now. It’s a little ridiculous that I don’t know what to do or say. I mean, I guess it’s normal, right? Ahh, someone please tell me it’s normal. I need a shred of normalcy in my life at the moment.
There are just so many “what ifs” going around in my head, too. I mean, she was in REMISSION. It was supposed to be gone. And now it’s back. What if it’s worse this time? What if chemo doesn’t do anything? What if she dies? And I’m sure there are even more of those going around in her head right now. I mean, sheesh, if I’m thinking all this, she’s gotta be thinking like twice as many thoughts. I just don’t know what to think or what to do. I mean, do I stay positive for her? Do I keep it real with her like I’ve always done? What if I’m fake with her and pretend that everything is going to be okay? I mean, sometimes, that’s what people need, isn’t it? There are just so many thoughts running through my head, I don’t even think I could get them all down right now. I’d be talking for the length of like 10 blog posts.
I guess all I can really do at the moment is be there for her like I have been for the past 4+ years. It just kills me that I can’t do anything more than that, you know? I just want her to beat it. Because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my best friend. I think that would pretty much be equivalent to the world ending for me. She’s just such a big part of my life that I don’t think I could imagine life without her in it in one way or another. It just sucks a big one. She’s such a great person and has had to deal with so much in her life. Why this? Why now? Seriously, she does not deserve this. And I hope she can beat it. Because I know she deserves to live a full life. Nobody deserves it more.
You Can Let Go
Hey all,
I am back again. I think the title of this one, which comes from the Backstreet Boys’ (of whom I am STILL a big fan of, by the way) “Unbreakable” album, is definitely fitting to the topic that is on my mind today.
So, in case I haven’t mentioned it already, I graduate in May. Which is about 3 months away, just about. And I am scared as all hell to find out what is waiting for me after I am done with Michigan State. And I’m sad. About half of my friends will also be graduating, but the other half will still be here. That’s a whole other year that I’m going to be missing out on. I’ll miss out on all the laughs, the good times, the football games, and whatever other random adventures they go on. I won’t be there. That just makes me sad because I have had so many amazing nights with these people.
Every time I hang out with my friends now, there is this one particular thought that crosses my mind, without fail: “This could be the last time I get to do something like this.” And that kind of just kills my mood. I mean, the majority of these people I have known for the longer half of my college experience. I met most of them during my sophomore year, so that is three whole years of adventures, silliness, and just general shenanigans (I had to throw that in there, mostly because I love the word). And now I won’t get that. I just don’t know what I’m going to do without them being within driving distance, just down the road, or in some cases, the room or building next to mine.
I just feel like I am not going to be a part of their lives anymore, which really sucks. I mean, yeah, we say we’ll keep in touch, blah blah blah, but really? I’ll be honest with you, I am HORRIBLE at “keeping in touch.” I keep telling myself, yeah, I need to call that person or send her an email, but then I just always say I’ll do it later. And then it never gets done. And then friends just slip away. I don’t mean for it to happen, but it just seems to be inevitable. They don’t call, I don’t email, things are just left unsaid, and before you know it, they just slip into people I used to know. Sounds kind of depressing, doesn’t it. Trust me, it is. I mean, there are people I have known since I was like 7 that I just let slip away. I still regret that to this day.
And then there is Anthony. Right now, he lives in the building behind me. So I get to see him pretty much all the time. But it really hit me tonight. We were just goofing around, watching TV and whatnot and making fun of each other like we always do, and it just hit me: I’m not going to have many more chances at nights like these. And I live for those nights. They are pretty much what make all the bad shit in my life seem like something I can actually handle. And I am only going to get like 3 more months of nights like those. It just makes me really really sad because I am going to miss him more than I will ever be able to tell him in words.
Michigan has basically been my home for the past 4 years. Michigan State has really allowed me to grow into the person I always knew I was and let me step out of my comfort zone and meet some of the most wonderful people. A part of me knows that I’m going to have to let it all go and move on with my life. I know that there are going to be opportunities for me somewhere. But the sentimental, girly side of me just doesn’t want to grow up and make those kinds of decisions yet. I want to really live it up the rest of my senior year, but I know there is always going to be that cloud over my head, a ticking clock reminding me how little time I have left with all the people I love here.
