Soundtrack of My Life…
Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.Archive for Music
You Can Let Go
Hey all,
I am back again. I think the title of this one, which comes from the Backstreet Boys’ (of whom I am STILL a big fan of, by the way) “Unbreakable” album, is definitely fitting to the topic that is on my mind today.
So, in case I haven’t mentioned it already, I graduate in May. Which is about 3 months away, just about. And I am scared as all hell to find out what is waiting for me after I am done with Michigan State. And I’m sad. About half of my friends will also be graduating, but the other half will still be here. That’s a whole other year that I’m going to be missing out on. I’ll miss out on all the laughs, the good times, the football games, and whatever other random adventures they go on. I won’t be there. That just makes me sad because I have had so many amazing nights with these people.
Every time I hang out with my friends now, there is this one particular thought that crosses my mind, without fail: “This could be the last time I get to do something like this.” And that kind of just kills my mood. I mean, the majority of these people I have known for the longer half of my college experience. I met most of them during my sophomore year, so that is three whole years of adventures, silliness, and just general shenanigans (I had to throw that in there, mostly because I love the word). And now I won’t get that. I just don’t know what I’m going to do without them being within driving distance, just down the road, or in some cases, the room or building next to mine.
I just feel like I am not going to be a part of their lives anymore, which really sucks. I mean, yeah, we say we’ll keep in touch, blah blah blah, but really? I’ll be honest with you, I am HORRIBLE at “keeping in touch.” I keep telling myself, yeah, I need to call that person or send her an email, but then I just always say I’ll do it later. And then it never gets done. And then friends just slip away. I don’t mean for it to happen, but it just seems to be inevitable. They don’t call, I don’t email, things are just left unsaid, and before you know it, they just slip into people I used to know. Sounds kind of depressing, doesn’t it. Trust me, it is. I mean, there are people I have known since I was like 7 that I just let slip away. I still regret that to this day.
And then there is Anthony. Right now, he lives in the building behind me. So I get to see him pretty much all the time. But it really hit me tonight. We were just goofing around, watching TV and whatnot and making fun of each other like we always do, and it just hit me: I’m not going to have many more chances at nights like these. And I live for those nights. They are pretty much what make all the bad shit in my life seem like something I can actually handle. And I am only going to get like 3 more months of nights like those. It just makes me really really sad because I am going to miss him more than I will ever be able to tell him in words.
Michigan has basically been my home for the past 4 years. Michigan State has really allowed me to grow into the person I always knew I was and let me step out of my comfort zone and meet some of the most wonderful people. A part of me knows that I’m going to have to let it all go and move on with my life. I know that there are going to be opportunities for me somewhere. But the sentimental, girly side of me just doesn’t want to grow up and make those kinds of decisions yet. I want to really live it up the rest of my senior year, but I know there is always going to be that cloud over my head, a ticking clock reminding me how little time I have left with all the people I love here.
Change
Hey guys and gals,
I am back again. Another day, more thoughts to get off my chest. Well, I also seem to be avoiding homework, but I promise, I will get to the homework. I just need to get this off my chest first. Or something like that.
I don’t really know why I am going to write about this, but I guess it has to do with this guy I am dating currently. Well, we are in love with each other, actually. But we are taking it slow. It’s kind of a long story, one I am sure that I will explain some other time, but for now, let’s just leave it at that. What I do want to address a little is racism. See, this guy, who’s name is Anthony, is black. And while this is the first time I have ever been attracted to a black man, I don’t care. Honestly. I just see him. Yes, I’m not naive or anything. I know he’s black. But his skin color has no effect on why I love him.
But I am not going to gush here. That’s probably for another entry as well. Maybe the same one I tell our nice complicated story. What I don’t like about this whole situation is how people look at me differently. Like my mom. I mean, she has told me to my face that she is fine with it, but honestly? I think she is disappointed in me. She wants what any mother wants–her daughter to be happy. But she also wants things she will probably never admit to my face. She wants a guy to be good enough for me, and preferably, a nice white guy. I don’t think her daughter falling in love with a black man was in her plan for me.
Although, maybe I should give her some credit here. I mean, she didn’t drop dead when I told her he was black. Although, if I ever tell my grandma (my dad’s mom, specifically), she would be the one to drop dead. It makes me sad, because she is the most hypocritical, judgmental people I know. And my grandpa, who died 3 1/2 years ago, was definitely not. It amazes me sometimes that those 2 were married over 50 years. I mean, he was awesome. Carefree, but definitely a believer in hard work, and he wanted his grandchildren to be happy, regardless of who that was with. He just wanted them, especially his granddaughters, to be treated with respect like they deserved. And I miss him every single day.
But my grandma, well, she is definitely old school. And while a lot of grandparents are, she is definitely not up with the times here. I mean, my mom’s parents are definitely not racist by any means and are some of the most hospitable people in the world. They are fantastic. But my grandma, well, she would be the type of person to walk on the other side of the sidewalk if she passed a black person. Or move seats if one sat down next to her on a bus or something. And it just makes me sad and angry that she is related to me. Or, since she obviously was born first, that I am related to her. I mean, she was THERE when Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated. She was alive. She LIVED through it. And it didn’t affect her? She didn’t care? She didn’t want to change in any way? I don’t understand. I mean, if i was there, I would listen. I would listen to what they had to say. At least give them a shot, you know? I know people thought differently in those days, but still, the black people were United States CITIZENS. They shouldn’t be seen as a “lesser” people.
I don’t know, it just really makes me sad that people are so closed-minded. I mean, blacks, gays, lesbians, mexicans, asians, whatever race or sexual orientation. People always seem to have something bad to say. I’m sorry, but you don’t personally know every single black person or homosexual. I have met some wonderful people because I didn’t make those snap judgments. Hell, I am dating a black man and my best friend is a mexican lesbian. People need to realize that beautiful comes in all different shapes, sizes, skin colors, and sexual orientations. There are so many beautiful people out there, and I encourage you all to meet one person that is of a different shape, size, skin color, or sexual orientation than yourself. Who knows? You could end up dating them or being their best friend 
By the way, today’s song title comes from the AT&T Team USA Soundtrack, made for the Beijing Olympics, and is by Taylor Swift.
Guilty Pleasure
Being creative with the camera
Hey all!
So I have been told numerous times that I need an outlet. A place to let my feelings out. I am definitely the type of person that keeps everything bottled up because I think I can handle it. I think that I don’t need people’s help, or even worse, I am too proud to ask for people’s help. To me, on a subconscious level, asking for help is a sign of weakness. Even though on some level, I know it’s not. But still, I don’t ask for help. So then all my emotions just get locked up in a bottle that is ready to break. And let me tell you from experience here that it breaks at the worst time. I have unloaded my feelings on people who definitely did not deserve it.
I decided to start blogging because of two reasons. One, the more obvious one, is that I think it is a great outlet. Whether or not anybody ever reads this isn’t really important to me, I guess. Though I would love feedback, I think the important thing is that I’m putting myself out there, writing down all the things I can’t say in person. I am definitely horrible and vocalizing my thoughts. Which leads me to number two. I love to write. And I’m good at it. So here is my place to write down everything I can’t say. Though I am working on that whole “saying what I want to say” thing, I at least feel better having a little “cheat sheet” of sorts at my disposal.
So why did I pick a music theme? Well, music is one of the best things in the world to me. Mostly because I can find music that fits my mood. If I’m angry, I listen to angry music. If I just want to chill, I listen to relaxing music. You get the point. But music always has this way, no matter what sort of mood I am in, of making me feel better. And yes, all of my posts will probably have song titles. So if you don’t know the song, it gives all you music fans out there some incentive to find a sound that you might not have heard before. This title comes from a great, relatively unknown band named Cobra Starship.
I hope that all of you out there will read this, comment, and generally enjoy this blog. It’s nothing fancy, but since I have a lot going on in my life right now (which will inspire many posts, believe me), I figured I would just write it all down. Thank goodness I like to write. Until next time!
